V.V.I.P BOVINES

Cows, it seems, have decided to play a stellar role in Indian politics. Remember the Congress (I) election symbol at one time was a cow and a calf?  Probably, it signified the way the party was milking, or was intending to milk the country.   Anyway, the bovines have since then invaded the roads of Delhi with no one realising the fact that it was a demonstration of their ire at the political situation.  The cows have for long been demanding the right to caste their vote, but their pleas have gone largely unheard.  As a wag put it – a rebel cow (certainly not Congress T) was seen coming out of a booth of New Delhi constituency, apparently in protest, as it did not find the symbol of the cow and calf on the ballot paper.

The other day a newspaper carried a report of VVIPs breeding cattle in the lawns of their gardens and milking them.  Well, cows certainly seem to be the cynosure of all attention for quite some time now. First it was Lord Ganesha’s milk-drinking spree, followed by the fodder scam, the mad cow’s disease and now the VVIPs pouring their affection on bovines.  It was also reported that while each house could breed only one head of cattle.  VVIPs were free to run a dairy farm from their respective residences.  But the status that the cow has been accorded in our country – that of a mother (Gau maata) only means that the VVIPs are paying their obeisance to the age-old concept. And anything that is venerable, can hardly be ridiculed.

Moreover, these VVIPs definitely need the ‘crème de la crème’ – a la Kamadhenu, if they are to successfully speak up for the creamy layer among the backwards, forwards, minorities or what you have.  Didn’t our Father of the Nation drink goat’s milk?  Only one of the VVIPs – the venerable Tau, was nearly synonymous with bovines.  He used to “moo” at anyone who dared raise a voice against the breeding of cattle in his backyard in the capital.  Of course, the number of bovines kept decreasing according to the Tau’s declining political status, till his political graph became ‘stable.’

India has been always known as a land where milk is supposed to be flowing since times immemorial.  What’s wrong if some VVIPs make arrangements for milk to flow in their own backyards?  They certainly cannot be trusted to gulp down DMS milk, which boasts of many other ‘nutrients’ besides the ones intended.  The NDMC staff, on its part, has always been getting the creeps, for they have an ‘angst’ in taking on the might of the VVIPs on the issue.  They allege that the licence for the cost of an animal was a meagre for Rs. 10.  So, why bother to take on the might of the politicians and the privileged class over such a trivial issue?

But a compromise formula can certainly be arrived at.  A representation should be made to the Election Commission that the right of VVIPs to milk the cows be exempted from the model code of conduct.

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SWADESHI MONKEYS

Animal instincts in human beings keep surfacing from time to time.  Be it Rudyard Kipling’s ‘The Jungle Book’, or R.K Narayanan’s ‘The Tiger from Malgudi’, animals have always been a convenient vehicle for expressing human emotions and sentiments.  Hence, similies with animals are very often resorted to.

The recent statement by the self-proclaimed ‘Tiger’ of Indian politics that the Swadeshi slogan of a particular party was only for monkeys, therefore, came as no big surprise.  However, the statement reeks of an utter disregard, amounting to contempt for the species, who are supposed to be our ancestors.  Poor Charles Darwin must be ruing his all hard-work and about labour that went in proving the affinity of the apes with humans, for he must never have imagined in the wildest of his dreams that the species would be ridiculed one day like this.

Having read the statement in the newspapers, I really did some honest soul-searching to ascertain the veracity of the proposition.  After all, one’s conscience is always supposed to speak the truth.  Trying to delve into the history of the concept, I discovered that it had been used for the first time by Dadabhai Naoroji.  Extending the logic of the above statement therefore, the venerable Naoroji can be said to be the first monkey!  But then wasn’t Hanuman ji supposed to be the first greatest monkey?  Was he Swadeshi by nature?  Must have been, I mused.  Moreover, even in the run up to the freedom struggle, many organisations were named with Swadeshi as the first word.  All these organisations then, must naturally have been run by monkeys, logically speaking.

 The slogan – ‘Be Indian, buy Indian’ (having no doubt swadeshi connotations) in the light of latest facts should read – ‘Be monkey….’ After all, swadeshi is now a time-worn concept and in the age of liberalisation one should not be so old (read swadeshi) fashioned and ape anything just for the heck of it!  But then, one wonders why on Earth do our beloved leaders sport Khadi dresses and Gandhian caps?  Either they have no hassles in becoming monkeys, if it is just once in every five years, or else they ‘monkey’ around practising one thing and saying just the opposite, or vice-versa.  At times, some monkey instincts (barring swadeshi instinct) does seem to creep into our beloved politicians.  Often they put their foot down (on the throne) and refuse to lift it – a la Angad!!!!

On the other hand, if viewed objectively, the statement that ‘Swadeshi is for monkeys’ is not that ridiculous either.   Just as beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, humour lies in the sense of the beholder – it may be non-sense after all.  The statement only pre-supposes the fact that swadeshi is meant for human beings.   After all, weren’t monkeys supposed to be our ancestors.  So if we say swadeshi…….it only means that we are swadeshi as humans or monkeys.  But then, on second thoughts, the breed of politicians who utter things out of which we cannot make out the head or tail, are not really monkeys.  They belong to an altogether different breed.   So I gave up thinking on the issue.  Why should I make a baboon of myself?  The Swadeshi aspect moreover, has been seen only from our angle – that of the humans.  Who knows the monkeys might resent the same?  Given the utter disregard they have for us, the monkeys might implore Lord Hanuman to re-enact the scene of ‘Lanka Dahan’ (burning of Lanka.   Of course, I do not mean the modern-day Lanka, though it is troubled by the “Tigers” of the other variety).  

I for one, would be a ‘native’ monkey, rather than swing from one country to another.  “Garv se kaho hum Swadeshi hain” (say proudly – we are swadeshi) even if it amounts to becoming a Swadeshi monkey.

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IMRAN KHAN’S EXTRA INNINGS !

Cricket has of late, been experiencing a “ball of a time” and has for the time being shifted its attention from pitches to “pitched tents” and from balls to “belles”!! Pakistan cricket team has been plagued by retirements of big players, but their erstwhile “Pathan” captain has apparently neither lost his “charm”, nor the “gamesmanship” that he always displayed throughout his playing career. 

First, it was the hullabaloo about retirement, then his much-publicised search for a partner to go for a “knot”.  As if this was not enough, Imran came up, on afterthought, with his “confessions” to having indulged in ball-tampering during his career.  Finally, he decided to “run himself out” for Jemima Goldsmith.  However, it has so transpired that this “promising partnership” stumped itself.  As far as the relationship was concerned, Imran got ‘hit wicket’ and ‘retired hurt’ at the same time, with the duo going in for a ‘talaaq’. 

Imran has for many years, now been attempting to take guard on the “political crease” of Pakistan.  Every time he takes guard, he is forced to play the role of the twelfth man in Pakistan politics.  His wait for the extra innings in politics continues to stretch itself.

Also with Jemima having left him for good, Imran is having a tough time deciding whether to comment on politics, or take up a role as a cricket commentator. 

 It is not clear whether that with so many all-rounders in Pakistani politics – with the likes of Zardari and Nawaz Sharif slugging it out for captaincy, where does Imran fit into the political team?  At present, he looks like the ‘Fourth Umpire’ programme at the end of a cricket match!  How long this ‘Extra Innings’ will last is anyone’s guess.

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BEEFING UP THE RAJ

Heard of the MCD?  Well, I am certainly not alluding to the Municipal Corporation of Delhi, but the “Mad Cow’s Disease” that once took the entire Europe, leave aside, Brtiain, by storm.  As the British government beefed itself up for the “major crisis”, one is forced to acknowledge the fact that the big wheel has indeed come a full circle.

In the old colonial days, India was said to reflect the developments taking place in London, Manchester, or Northamptonshire.  From Warren Hastings to Lord Mountbatten, hordes of Englishmen strove to “civilise” this cradle of civilisation and “share the white man’s burden.”

However, the British now finally seem to have taken a cue from the developments taking place on the Indian political ramp.  The animal husbandry scam in Bihar (gai wala scam) appears to have found its anglicised ramifications in the “Raj” even as the beef panic spread far and wide.  As an aftermath, the European Union slapped a ban on British beef.

The poor bovines!!  They must not be having even the slightest inkling that they can be an indirect cause of the breakdown of the European Union.

Of course, our very own Laloo Prasad Yadav ji has never been the one to be laid low by any situation or person.  Grapevine has it that he and the then Prime Minister of UK - John Major had even devised a counter-strategy to break the respective impasse – namely, the animal husbandry and the beef crisis.  Given the historical proximity between the two countries, a novel idea also being then mooted around was an exchange of their respective positions – Laloo Prasad Yadav becoming the Prime Minister of England and their Prime Minister taking over as the CM of Bihar.  Needless to say then, London would be transformed into Patna, though I have my doubts whether the British PM would have been able to transform Patna into London.   In fact, the British PM might have gone back to England quipping– “arre budhbak, hum hoon England ka Prime Minister-wa!!!”

 However, jokes apart, Britain seems to be really in the severe grip of the ire of animals.  A few years ago, it was a veritable danger which had manifested itself in the form of a pork scandal.  And now the MCD – “Mad Cow’s Disease,” has the British Raj scurrying for cover and beefing up the already mauled image of an empire on which the “sun never set.”

Finally, some riddles to beef up your knowledge – “which is the next scam brewing in Britain?” ……Well, first it was pork, then beef………so logically it is not meant for the chicken-hearted people – yeah you got it right – eggs!!  And what do you call people who eat the beef of cows suffering from “Mad Cow’s Disease?”  Simple……..”Mad Guys.”

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TREADING ON SO MANY LEGS!

On return after being crowned Miss World at yet another beauty pageant, our very own “Made in India”, the Beauty Queen (BQ) had a telephonic conversation with the Prime Minister, which went somewhat along these lines.  The conversation can also hold good for the future Beauty Queens and the Prime Minister/s with suitable corrections.   The interview has been ‘edited’ and “resemblance to any person is purely coincidental and unintentional.”  

PM: Welcome back to India, Miss ABC.  Congratulations on doing India and all of us proud by winning the Miss World contest.  How did it feel to be crowned the new Miss World?

BQ: Much the same like our political parties feel after pulling the rug from under the government’s feet, sir.

PM: …..You want only to prove that beauty is not headless.

BQ: So I have sir.  Just as your government has been rendered a headless beauty, or should I say a sleeping beauty with many heads.

PM: (clearing the throat) You beautiful ambassadors really do the world good by bringing it closer. How do you make it possible?

BQ: It is all very simple sir.  We don’t espouse any doctrines, nor do we have to put up with Third and Fourth front (though we do rely on our swaying backs). Thus, we steer ourselves without committees, core groups and such useless paraphernalia.

PM: That’s a real revelation.  I’ll definitely keep it in mind.  What were your thoughts on being crowned the Miss World?

BQ: Honestly sir, my heart and head kept racing back to you.  I couldn’t help admiring your qualities.  In fact, you were a role model for me.

PM: That’s really flattering to hear.  Long time since I got compliments from someone.  Otherwise…………….these Press people they just keep baying for my blood.  Can I have the honour of asking as to how I served as the role model for you?

BQ: I wondered sir, that we models practise swaying on two legs and find even that pretty difficult.  But you managed to tread the political ramp on so many legs without any previous practice sir.

PM: It’s all in the game, dear.  But then, you must have heard that politics is the art of the impossible.

BQ: With your permission Prime Minister sir, I would venture to say that politics is the art of doing the possible in an impossible way.

PM: You certainly are blessed with the gift of the gab.

BQ: Now may I, with your permission, PM sir, take the liberty of asking you something?

PM: On politics?

BQ: No sir, politics does not interest me.  I have a personal question, sir.  It is said that behind every successful man there is a woman.  Who is behind your success?

BQ: Whatever you may sir, I am a really fan of yours.  You really are a gentleman and a likeable PM.

PM: Thanks a ton.  Your words sound sweet music to my ears.  How I wish my colleagues could think of me the way you do.

BQ: One final request, sir.  There are reports in the Press that you are likely to contest the coming elections.  Sir, could I have the pleasure of canvassing for you?

PM: (sounding uncomfortable and distraught) No, no, please!!  I appreciate your help, but I am sorry, I can’t do anything………..ask the Election Commission!!!

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MATTERS OF HEAD AND HEART 

Eureka!  Eureka! (but not like Archimedes running out naked from the bathroom)  There is some good news for those of us who always think the worst of politicians.  I mean the revelation that those in the profession of politics are not heartless, which they are normally supposed to be.  Some might treat this bit as some practical joke, or an advance preparation for the ‘All Fool’s Day.’

Some detractors might very well argue that this is only the latest in a series of scams, for it is easier to get a needle out of a haystack than find one heart from amongst a thousand politicians.  They might further say that this is the time when Indian politics is usually gripped by rumours of all sorts, with an impending election and one cannot easily believe such a thing as politicians having hearts.  But then, the fact is that they possess weak hearts, far too weak to stand any pressure.

One particular politician first lost his heart to a lady and then broke her heart.  This lady then lost her head and painted the town red with stories of how this politician broke her heart.   It is still not clear whether this politician was heartless, or headless – or both.

Recent events, particularly the arrest of some former ministers, one thought, had medieval overtones.  People could not believe their eyes and ears.  After all, it was possible to send ‘powerful’ people to jail in independent India, when prisons are meant for the defenceless? 

Before 1947, going to jail was deemed a supreme act of sacrifice.  During the freedom struggle, freedom fighters’ long stint in jails helped them in introspection and soul-searching.  Some of the best works and golden thoughts about the freedom movement had their roots in jails.  Though circumstances have, no doubt, before Independence were treated as heroes and freedom fighters.

When I read the newspapers quoting one of the arrested politicians as saying that he was having a heart problem, my heart went out to him.  The simple reason was that all along we had been under the false impression that those who alternately ruled and aspired to do so were totally heartless.  I was moved, for here was a chap who was caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, oscillating between the confines of hospital and jail.  The truth may well be that hospitals are preferred to jails and sickness is feigned, but then I am not supposed to assume that.

Indian policemen, wherever they are, are known to this day as those who are no good, either as friends or as enemies, and jails are dreadful places where third degree measures are more the rule than the exception.  But then government hospitals are no worse, or better as the case may be.  I for one, would prefer going to jail rather than suffer the mental, physical and psychological torture, besides the financial shocks that the hospital bills would give me.  In a jail, one might stand a chance of survival, but not so in a hospital.  The only request you have to make to the jailer is that please do not beat me so much that I land up in a hospital!!

As long as the heart is in question, it is Ok, but what about another important component – the head?  What will happen, if these politicians argue tomorrow that they also have a head!  I am sure, many hearts would fail and a few would even rack their heads.  As far as I am concerned, it would be heady stuff for me and I could even end up losing my head!!!

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THE BIG COVER-UP

The Election Commission’s recent diktat to cover up the statues of all elephants in Uttar Pradesh is one big cover-up.   But there are a few niggling doubts that remain.   For instance, the statues of elephants can be covered up, but what if a real elephant is walking down the road.  Will that too be covered?

What about the party with the ‘Hand’ symbol?  Will the candidates of this party be allowed to gesticulate with their hands while speaking at public rallies?  Or do they speak with their hands tied to the back, or a la ‘Thakur’ of the movie – Sholay? If they show their hand to the public, will it amount to a violation of the model code of conduct?

Then there are so many regional parties that have been allotted symbols.  A few samples (or is it symbols???) deserve a look-in. 

One party has a ‘Cup and Saucer’ as its symbol.  This means that till the seven-phase elections get over, people are not allowed to drink tea in a cup – they may drink tea in glasses, or plastic cups, but definitely not in a cup and saucer.   That would amount to a storm in a teacup!!!

Another party has an ‘Electric Pole’ as its symbol.  Will the ECI be also covering up all the ‘Electric Poles’ in the state of Uttar Pradesh?  Yet another party’s symbol is the ‘Kite’.  Will then kite-flying of any kind, political, or otherwise, be banned till the elections?

 ‘Coconut’ too is an election symbol in U.P.  Will the breaking of a coconut at religious ceremonies amount to a violation of the mode code?  Similarly, ‘Water Tap’ is also a symbol.  Will all the water taps at public places and in houses be also covered with different colours of polythenes or plastic bags?  

‘Telephone’, ‘Ceiling Fan’, ‘Glass Tumbler’, ‘Pressure Cooker’, ‘Television’, ‘Stethoscope’, ‘Kettle’, ‘Walking Stick’, ‘Hockey Stick’ and ‘Gas Cylinder’ are all election symbols in Uttar Pradesh.  If the model code of conduct is strictly implemented, all these symbols too must be covered up.  But then, that would bring life to a standstill.  If a television is covered up, what do people see?  Or if a ‘Stethoscope’ is covered up, how does a doctor work?

One can go on and on and also take up election symbols in other states, but by then the elections would be over and the M.C.C (Model Code of Conduct) would become infructuous.   

Last heard, a scared Lord Vishnu, was seeking legal opinion on whether he too needs to cover up his ‘navel’ – out of which the ‘Lotus’ grows, lest he be accused of taking sides with the ‘Lotus’ party!!!  Is the ECI listening???

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