Olympics and the "Golden" Spirit

OLYMPICS AND THE 'GOLDEN' SPIRIT

The Fourth Estate is nowadays becoming a little too touchy and ambitious for comfort.  I do not intend to allude to the various scams being reported these days, but a statement by our Minister that in the next Olympics India should win a hundred medals.

            Frankly speaking, if you ask me, what’s wrong in that?  Not winning a hundred medals, but talking about it!  Do elders not exaggerate statements to encourage the youngsters and boost their morale?  Our Minister was no doubt, trying a pep talk! After all, you surely don’t want to enter the 21^st century sans hype. 

            The hype apart, the preoccupation of the press and indeed everyone with medals is utterly bewildering and confusing to me.  Indian culture has always discouraged greed and accumulation, so why crave for tiny pieces of gold, silver and bronze?  Ours has been a country which has been in the past known as the ‘golden sparrow,’ what to talk of a mere medal?

            Moreover, what our sports buff do not realise is the simple fact that one should always be compassionate.  One might argue that where the hell does compassion come into the Olympic Games.  Well, you see, it’s quite simple.  To win a medal, you must defeat your other competitors.  We all know that defeat hurts.  So why hurt anyone just for a bloody scrap of medal?

            And Sirs and Ma’ms, our athletes are not greedy.  On the field, they religiously believe in Lord Krishna’s message - ‘action is thy duty, reward is not thy concern.’  Our athletes do their duty on the field and are not bothered about the reward – medals in this case.  They play the game in the spirit of the game and that’s the end of that.

     Coming back to the statement of one of our many Hon’ble Ministers regarding winning a hundred medals at the next Olympics, the Minister perhaps was reminded of his schooldays, when we were taught that zeros on the left side of a figure do not mean anything.  Now, our Minister probably, with the passage of time has got addled whether it was the left side or the right side of the figure. 

            Our athletes, unlike other participants, are the only ones who seem to be bothered about the golden Olympic spirit.  The rest of the world seems to be bothered only about winning medals.  Our athletes would rather run for fun, which is the real golden spirit.  Of course, that is possible, only if we do not have the likes of Abhinav Bindra, Vijender Kumar and Sushil Kumar, who won medals at Olympics to spoil the “glorious” record of our country at the Games.

Watering Down

Our PM (Print Media, lest anybody misunderstands it) has a penchant for grinding everything to dust and later on, ‘watering down’ that issue.

The days of follow-up stories are not followed up, now it’s a matter of ensuring the sales of a newspaper everyday and jumping on to the next scoop the following day.

So, after many issues, water it was.  The allusion here is not to the reel life – Deepa Mehta’ controversial film – ‘Water’, but real life stuff.  After the tinsel world’s ‘Water’ inflamed the fires of passion at Varanasi, it was the scarcity of water in the drought affected parts of the country that hogged the PM’s attention.

After carrying all the gory details as vividly as possible, some newspapers realised that it was also their duty to suggest some solutions.  So, water harvesting became the theme song for the next few days.  It is really surprising that water harvesting should be talked about only when there is drought and not in the so-called normal times.  But even if there is no problem, what do you solve?

A few days ago, the newspapers reported that some enterprising businessman had come out with a novel, mouth-watering idea – “buy a washing machine and get a one tanker of water free!!”  Not a bad idea.  After all, in these days of water crises, who would want to buy a washing machine?  So, this particular businessman has been blessed with the wisdom to provide a water tanker free with the washing machine.  You can take the water from the tanker and use it for washing purposes.

Of course, the tanker will come in handy to store water too, once it is empty.  After all, doesn’t say that you should save something for the rainy day?  In this case, one could even save the water on a rainy day for the tanker!!!

The offer reminds one of the story of the wise crow one read during childhood days, when the crow drops stones into one jar to raise the level of water to quench his thirst.  Such offers could go a long way in solving the water crisis.

One could even imagine the nature of future advertising and the offers likely to pour in.  Buy a fridge and get two buckets of ice free!!  And why confine ourselves to merely water?  As a politician is once supposed to have said, “if there is a problem of ‘roti’ (food) in the country, one should eat ‘double roti’ (bread). 

So, extending the same logic to the water problem, another offer could be “Buy two mineral water bottles, and get a large can of Coke free.”  Or else, the lottery tickets could also read:

First prize: free ownership rights of an agency of water tanks.” 

Second prize: a free day seven-day stay in the Indian Ocean (minus accommodation).

This means that like the proverbial ‘you can have your cake and eat it too,’ you can live in the water and drink it too – the high salinity content notwithstanding.  (Moroever, this stay will be worth the salt – if not anything else!)

Third prize: a two-room flat on the banks of any river or lake of your choice!  Consolation prizes could include free baths for one month and permanent membership of ‘Water Kingdoms.’ 

Last but not the least, coming back to the reel life – ‘Water,’ one does not know exactly how much Deepa Mehta has done to solve the real life – ‘Water crisis’ in her film, but at least she could be honoured with an award for ‘acqua-inting’ the people with the severity of the issue.  Or, is it for watering down the issue?

As for our politicians, it is another golden opportunity for them to lure the ‘voter’ on account of ‘water’ and test the political waters before taking the plunge into the whirlpool of elections.

The Mad Ad World

An advertising agency is “85 per cent confusion and 15 per cent commission,” said Fred Allen.  On the other hand, Edgar Watson Howe said, “Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark, you know what you are doing, but nobody else does.” 

Apparently, nearly all the 24 hour channels don’t know what they are doing either.  Not only is the quality of the advertisements “ludicrous,” the quantity in which they are fed to the viewers is nerve-racking.

How else could one explain five minutes of advertisements before a scene of equal duration.  Often the total number of advertisements takes up more time than the duration of the entire programme.  The frequency of the advertisements is at such monotonously regular intervals that the children learn them by rote, and far quicker than they do so from their textbooks.  Take for instance, a mother asking a small girl who Babur’s son was – Humayun and Akbar – that of Humayun.  In fact, very often one can hear kids humming tunes of some of the latest trendy advertisements.

Frankly speaking, however, some of the advertisement jingles are so catchy (many borrowed from the West, be it noted) that sometimes you prefer them to the silly songs of the latest Hindi films.  Indeed, jingles could soon give Bollywood music directors a real headache.  It would come as no surprise, if HMV people were tempted to realise the dream of releasing an audio-cassette featuring some of the more catchy advertisement jingles.

A few advertisements fired my imagination and zeal.  Some years ago, an advertisement for a particular brand of tea showed a macho guy with long moustaches coolly sitting in front of a tiger and sipping the tea and at the same time, twirling his moustaches.  I, for one, am prepared to gulp down as many cups of tea (of this particular brand) as possible at one go, if in the bargain, I could become even half as lion-hearted as the tough male depicted in the advertisement.

 Another advertisement of a fan features a popular film-star saying, “Sir naam hi kaafi hai,” (merely the mention of the name is enough).  Is it really so?  Can the mere mention of the name of a ceiling fan provide relief from the scorching heat?  If so, then why bother to buy the damned fan?  One can very well sit and keep chanting the name of the fan at the desired speed to get the cooling effect.  Of course, I am always deeply mystified as to which brand of pen, shirt, shampoo, or soap to buy.  They all claim to be “Better than the Best”.    Think of it in grammatical terms – “Better than the Best” would mean “Comparative is better than Superlative”.   Pray how?

The latest trend in advertising is to target the children.  So you have any number of companies directing their advertisements at the children at a very impressionable age.   One particular advertisement shows a child looking for his car operated by remote control.  He asks his mother who tells him to look around in the house.  The child says that his father would get him a new toy.  But a guest at the house tells the child that what would happen if the father gets lost too?  For a moment, everyone looks flabbergasted before the father pops in from nowhere to say that even if he gets lost, he would still bring the toy.  The advertisement is about insurance, but what about insuring the advertisement itself.    The biggest worry is that tomorrow if children lose their toys, they are bound to recollect the advertisement and tell the poor father promptly that even if he gets lost, he must get that particular toy.  So said the advertisement, they would argue.   Of course, most of the mothers would not mind losing the father, if in the bargain, they could find a new one.  But the advertisement doesn’t give any such insurance – not assurance, mind you.

Of course, you have good-looking models endorsing under-garments, garments and such stuff.  A particular advertisement for a brand of undergarments shows a male fighting a few goons and thrashing them black and blue.  A female model appears at the end of the advertisement, clinging to the male model.  Another one shows a man entering a ladies’ toilet by mistake and a few females entering behind him and showering kisses all over the guy.  Now, pray what has the advertisement got to do with the undergarment?  May be – that next time, whenever one goes into the toilet and that too ladies’ toilet by mistake, one should expect kisses to be showered.

 One of the latest advertisements shows a lady asking a man (supposedly her spouse) – “Have you seen my caaaaaarrrrrr keys”.  The advertisement, apparently for a car, doesn’t show the keys at all.  For, if going by the advertisement if the caaaarrrr is that long, what size would be its keys?   Fortunately, or unfortunately, no answers are provided to such questions. 

However, it is not true that these advertisements have only nonsense value.  Every cloud has a silver lining, after all.  These advertisements may drive you crazy, while you are anxiously awaiting the start of your favourite serial.  Many parents however, vouch for them and infact, heave a sigh of relief when they start, while at their wits’ end to divert the attention of their baby.  However, once the advertisements start, the toddler surprisingly enough is spell-bound and silent.  Of course, the poor parents have to “face the music,” again, once the jingles stop.  Well, at least in one respect, it can be said of advertisements – “Sirf naam hi kaafi hai.”   

Age of Specialisation

Today’s world is indeed that much more competitive and specialisation is a must.  The days of “jack of all trades” are bygone.  Thus, to succeed in modern day cut-throat competition, a person has to be a specialist in a particular field.  Be it a scientist, a journalist, doctor, lawyer, or any other profession, specialisation is the in-thing. That reminds me of a joke narrated by a colleague doing rounds in the medicine circles.  A patient having some problem with his left eye, went to an eye-specialist.  The doctor immediately burst out saying – “don’t you know that I am a specialist of the right eye”!!!!

It all began with D.T.C actually.  D.T.C launched University Specials known as U-specials, Ladies’ special.  Then hotels began to increasingly offer “special thalis” and “special” masala dosa.  Barbers too jumped into the fray by offering “special” shaves.  As if in a jiffy, specialisation seemed to have become the buzzword. 

Another instance of the spurt in the specialisation business was the in(famous) “tandoor murder case”.  After all the run-of-the-mill murders that were becoming dull and monotonous, murders were not hogging the headlines that they usually so richly deserve.  Thanks to this “specialised murder”, murders had then become a red hot (tandoori hot that is) news!!!  The media went all berserk over the “hot stuff”.  Well, after all, innovation in any sphere, be it crime does merit attention – and publicity too.

 Come to think of it.  Even politics could not remain untouched by this “wave” of specialisation. It all actually started with “acting” and “working” presidents of all the parties.  This only meant that in the scenario of specialisation, working presidents would no longer need to “act” and “acting” presidents do not need to work.  A nice bit of specialisation that.

Of course, the specialisation fetish extends to the Prime Minister too.   Our leaders and political parties seek the Prime Minister’s resignation at the drop of a hat.  The way PM’s resignation is demanded on “apparently disjointed issues”, be it DESU’s failure in maintaining an adequate supply of electricity, when electricity comes under the jurisdiction of State governments, reminds one of the story of the wolf and the lamb.  The wolf first accuses the lamb of polluting the water that the wolf is drinking.  But when the lamb points out that the water is coming from the wolf’s side, the wolf says that then it must have been the father of the lamb who polluted the water and gobbles the lamb as a punishment.

In the modern-day age of specialisation and that too in a country like India, one Prime Minister is not enough.  Why not have a “specialist resigning” PM?  All that the resigning PM would be supposed to do is to resign on all and sundry issues and that too before the first voice is raised, demanding his resignation.

Or instead, he could just “resign” himself to the situation without actually resigning.  Isn’t that quite a “specialised” thought?

My Experiments With Fruit

Fruits have always occupied a place of pride in our diet since times immemorial.  So much so that many of proverbs and adages are inspired by them.  To begin with, one often hears that “the roots of perseverance may be sour, but the fruits are sweet”!!  Glossing over the fact as to which particular fruit enjoys a preferential treatment, when it comes to proverbs and adages, it came as a revelation that apple overshadowed the “king of fruits”, mango in  at least one respect.

One is immediately reminded of the famous adage, “Adam ate the apple and our teeth still ache”!  Crossing over to a more contemporary and modern period, parents have always considered children to be “apples of  their eyes”, till they prove to be a nuisance and break the hitherto existent “apple pie” order of the household.  The hapless parents can still (and do) cope up with the situation till the children are “happily married”.  More often than not, it is the marriage that proves to be the family’s “apple of discord”.  As if like a bolt from the blue, you suddenly seem to realise why our teeth still ache!!

 The prospect of going to either a dentist, or any other doctor, is always unwelcome.  Talking of toothache, I for one have always been dead scared of visiting a dentist.  So hearing the adage….”and our teeth still ache”, I developed an instant, inherent dislike for the “forbidden fruit”.  However, wishing to cut down on medical expenses and immediately being reminded of the famous – “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” proverb, I decided to give the fruit a second chance. 

Though I happen to be one of those with an apparent dislike for the fruit, the ubiquitous influence of the “forbidden fruit” was impressed upon  me by a computer whizkid friend of mine, who reminded me that these days, even a computer – “Apple” is gaining currency.  “Not only that”, he went on, “even the space programme can ill-afford to do with the fruit”.  Feigning ignorance, I asked, “are the scientists at ISRO supposed to be avowed apple eaters”??   “Don’t act like a pumpkin”, he ridiculed me.  I am talking of the Ariane Passenger Payload Experiment (APPLE)”.  The logic had clearly driven home.

Impressed by the technological and scientific strides made by the fruit, I decided to let my prejudices for once, take a backseat, as I vowed to try “keeping the doctor away”, believing religiously in the time-tested adage.

To begin with, the “fruit of my perseverance” did not appear to be as sweet as it was made out in the proverb.  Still, wishing to uphold the sagacity of my decision, I plugged on tirelessly, dreaming of the rosy prospect of not having to visit the medico, thereby ridiculing my friends whose medical bills were fattening by the day.

 However, through monthly tabs that I was keeping on the expenditure incurred in buying the fruit, it slowly dawned upon me that the fruit was not such a “rosy proposition” after all.  The steadily increasing prices of the hitherto juicy fruit now only left a bad taste in my mouth.  Slowly, it was assuming the taste of “sour grapes”.  Not only that, my newly found penchant for the fruit had completely upset my “financial applecart”. 

I clearly realised that in keeping the doctor away, I might as well end up snapping all financial links with my banker!  Well, as you all know, “an apple a day, keeps the doctor away”, but nowadays the apples are so expensive, that you might as well as prefer a doctor a day!  Therefore, earnestly believing in another time-worn adage – “don’t bite off more than you can chew”, I finally decided to call it a day, as far as “My Experiments with Fruits” were concerned.  Fearing that my friends might not make a laughing stock of me, I have instead started eating onions aplenty.  Why?  As a wag has rightly said, in contrast to an apple just keeping the doctor away, “an onion a day, keeps everybody away”!!!

Power of the Apes

A recent item in newspapers said that monkeys in Delhi created a ‘power breakdown’ in a prime locality of the capital for more than half an hour. What had transpired was that one of the monkeys shut off the main switch engulfing the area in darkness, despite the area having been fenced off.

Now what is wrong in monkeys performing the chores of DESU?  If at all, the monkeys were only sagacious enough to switch off the lights in a prime locality, rather than putting the common man through the grind.   In fact, this power shutdown contains important lessons for DESU.

What is however surprising is the amazingly monotonous regularity with which the apes seem to have cultivated the knack of remaining in news.  If I may be allowed to humbly submit, they do seem to have developed the proverbial ‘nose for news’.  Their escapades at South Block keep hitting the headlines and they are nearly always a photographer’s delight.  Of course, off and on the chief sub editors of newspapers also get a chance to brag their scholastic abilities by giving these photos various imaginative captions with a variety of ‘simian’ vocabulary.

However, the latest power failure triggered off by the monkeys set me thinking.  After all, weren’t ‘Hanuman’, ‘Bali’ and ‘Sugreev’ also ‘powerful?’  And hadn’t Angad challenged the leading demons to stir his firmly planted feet.  The modern-day monkeys too after all seem to have taken a cue from their ‘epic’ forefathers and put their foot down – in a different manner.  That is why they chose to show off their powers by affecting a power breakdown.

This incident reminded me of that famous novel-cum-film ‘Planet of the Apes.’  It visualises a day in the future when apes would rule the planet and human beings would be reduced to being their servants.  The way the monkeys are going about presently, the day would come sooner, rather than later.  It is a doubtful proposition whether the apes would really like to rule over this planet of ours, for the idea presupposes their consent for granted. 

However, the way we humans are behaving, cultivates a doubt in one’s mind if we really descended from the apes, or has Darwin’s theory of evolution become redundant?  For, with the latest fad of cloning and genetic engineering fast catching up, like a computer virus, the apes would certainly be having a hearty laugh at our expense.  They must be thinking that when they can successfully ape anything or anyone, where was the need for cloning?

            Despite the hullabaloo being raised over cloning, the question remains – who is aping whom?  The simians seem to be telling the humans – “Looking at your face, we get the impression that you descent from us has not yet started.”  Or still better, “You do seem to have descended all right, but definitely not from us.”

Ignorance is Bliss

Ignorance, they say, is bliss.  But complete ignorance is complete bliss.  What’s more it’s universal in nature.  Some real-life experiences of teachers and some reports appearing in the Print Media form a veritable “Do you know” series, or “Ripley’s Believe it or not” facts.  Citing a few examples of the common and not-so-uncommon people in India and in the West is a must.  Examples from the West need to be cited in particular, for we are convinced of anything only if we have a parallel in the West – even if it is ignorance.  But let’s begin with some ‘desi’ instances.

As Election Commission is always in news, for these days some elections or the other are held every other month, why ignore the ubiquitous ‘EC?’  It should warm the cockles of the hearts of our Chief Election Commissioners (CECs) to learn what Class XII students of Political Science thought of them some years ago.  According to some ‘bright young minds’, Election Commission were those people who move around with loudspeakers, making announcements in auto rickshaws, jeeps and vans during electioneering!

Our learned teachers might not know that according to some aspiring teachers, the Godavari flows through Krishna delta, while Pennar is actually situated in Kerala.  After all, these entire years one has been learning in geography that the face of our earth is constantly changing.  Who knows these candidates might be having the latest update on the geographical situation!!  Knowledge should after all be constantly updated.

One particularly bright student took the question a bit too literally. Quizzed in Hindi medium on what they understood by ‘Bahu-uddeshiya yojnaayen’ (multi-purpose projects), the measured response of this student was that in our country, ‘Bahus’ (brides) are supposed to cover their heads and are made to go through a lot of formalities after marriage, so the programmes that are aimed at these ‘bahus’ are known as……no prizes for guessing here!!!!

Did you know that ignorance need not be merely ‘Art-istic’, it can be scientific as well.  Some science students did not know the composition of blood or what haemoglobin was.  One can safely say that these science students were “BLOODY” ignorant!!!   The concept of dialysis, or the utility of vitamins was Greek and Latin to them.  After all, strictly speaking, all these issues are really non(science)sense!!!  One student defined electrons as, ‘beautiful things that roam around on sea-beaches.’   Quite an ‘electron’-ic ignorance that!!!  

One candidate appearing for an examination to become a sub-inspector in police organisations thought that Bjorn Borg was the name of a beautiful place in Europe.  Of course, even if he had said that Borg was a Swiss tennis player would not have made him the head of Swiss police – or for that matter, Indian police too.  Nor would a Swiss account have been opened in his or her name.  So why bother?

Of course, all things apart, ‘Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani’, so we will not consider anything to be complete, till there is a ‘videshi’ or ‘phoren’ parallel to anything.  So here goes.

In the United States of A, a presidential candidate once could not name the political leaders of India and Pakistan.  Another President once said, “I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don’t always agree with them!” Why not?  If you agree with your own opinions, how can one beat around the bush.’  Another well-known figure in American politics was the perfect ‘Ignoramus’ when he spelt potato as ‘potatoe’ – so what if he added a ‘toe’ to the poor vegetable!  He was only trying to be phonetic.  Or may be plainly – ‘phoney’ – one never knows with these politicians.  Another President quipped at the funeral of Charles de Gaulle – “today is a great day for France.”  

Coming back to some ‘desi’ instances, one minister from one of the hill states, was blissfully unaware of what ‘PUC’ (Proposal Under Consideration) stood for.  The Minister in question ordered the PS to get the “Pook.”  The hapless PS having racked his brains and tired of searching for the elusive ‘Pook’ all over the place, finally realised what PUC actually stood for.

Last but not the least, on a TV show anchored by a famous media celebrity, one Parliamentary Affairs minister (name withheld owing to model code of conduct of the Election Commission) quipped in an answer to a question that a particular Parliamentary procedure – ‘Quorum’ was necessary, which was 8 or 10 per cent.  The anchor, seizing the chance to corner the Minister quipped, “Sir, that means even you don’t know whether the quorum is 8 per cent or 10 per cent!!’  

After all these examples, one hopes that the ignorant ones among our readers would no longer be ignorant of the fact that ‘ignorance’ is common knowledge the world over.”