Olympics and the "Golden" Spirit

OLYMPICS AND THE 'GOLDEN' SPIRIT

The Fourth Estate is nowadays becoming a little too touchy and ambitious for comfort.  I do not intend to allude to the various scams being reported these days, but a statement by our Minister that in the next Olympics India should win a hundred medals.

            Frankly speaking, if you ask me, what’s wrong in that?  Not winning a hundred medals, but talking about it!  Do elders not exaggerate statements to encourage the youngsters and boost their morale?  Our Minister was no doubt, trying a pep talk! After all, you surely don’t want to enter the 21^st century sans hype. 

            The hype apart, the preoccupation of the press and indeed everyone with medals is utterly bewildering and confusing to me.  Indian culture has always discouraged greed and accumulation, so why crave for tiny pieces of gold, silver and bronze?  Ours has been a country which has been in the past known as the ‘golden sparrow,’ what to talk of a mere medal?

            Moreover, what our sports buff do not realise is the simple fact that one should always be compassionate.  One might argue that where the hell does compassion come into the Olympic Games.  Well, you see, it’s quite simple.  To win a medal, you must defeat your other competitors.  We all know that defeat hurts.  So why hurt anyone just for a bloody scrap of medal?

            And Sirs and Ma’ms, our athletes are not greedy.  On the field, they religiously believe in Lord Krishna’s message - ‘action is thy duty, reward is not thy concern.’  Our athletes do their duty on the field and are not bothered about the reward – medals in this case.  They play the game in the spirit of the game and that’s the end of that.

     Coming back to the statement of one of our many Hon’ble Ministers regarding winning a hundred medals at the next Olympics, the Minister perhaps was reminded of his schooldays, when we were taught that zeros on the left side of a figure do not mean anything.  Now, our Minister probably, with the passage of time has got addled whether it was the left side or the right side of the figure. 

            Our athletes, unlike other participants, are the only ones who seem to be bothered about the golden Olympic spirit.  The rest of the world seems to be bothered only about winning medals.  Our athletes would rather run for fun, which is the real golden spirit.  Of course, that is possible, only if we do not have the likes of Abhinav Bindra, Vijender Kumar and Sushil Kumar, who won medals at Olympics to spoil the “glorious” record of our country at the Games.

Watering Down

Our PM (Print Media, lest anybody misunderstands it) has a penchant for grinding everything to dust and later on, ‘watering down’ that issue.

The days of follow-up stories are not followed up, now it’s a matter of ensuring the sales of a newspaper everyday and jumping on to the next scoop the following day.

So, after many issues, water it was.  The allusion here is not to the reel life – Deepa Mehta’ controversial film – ‘Water’, but real life stuff.  After the tinsel world’s ‘Water’ inflamed the fires of passion at Varanasi, it was the scarcity of water in the drought affected parts of the country that hogged the PM’s attention.

After carrying all the gory details as vividly as possible, some newspapers realised that it was also their duty to suggest some solutions.  So, water harvesting became the theme song for the next few days.  It is really surprising that water harvesting should be talked about only when there is drought and not in the so-called normal times.  But even if there is no problem, what do you solve?

A few days ago, the newspapers reported that some enterprising businessman had come out with a novel, mouth-watering idea – “buy a washing machine and get a one tanker of water free!!”  Not a bad idea.  After all, in these days of water crises, who would want to buy a washing machine?  So, this particular businessman has been blessed with the wisdom to provide a water tanker free with the washing machine.  You can take the water from the tanker and use it for washing purposes.

Of course, the tanker will come in handy to store water too, once it is empty.  After all, doesn’t say that you should save something for the rainy day?  In this case, one could even save the water on a rainy day for the tanker!!!

The offer reminds one of the story of the wise crow one read during childhood days, when the crow drops stones into one jar to raise the level of water to quench his thirst.  Such offers could go a long way in solving the water crisis.

One could even imagine the nature of future advertising and the offers likely to pour in.  Buy a fridge and get two buckets of ice free!!  And why confine ourselves to merely water?  As a politician is once supposed to have said, “if there is a problem of ‘roti’ (food) in the country, one should eat ‘double roti’ (bread). 

So, extending the same logic to the water problem, another offer could be “Buy two mineral water bottles, and get a large can of Coke free.”  Or else, the lottery tickets could also read:

First prize: free ownership rights of an agency of water tanks.” 

Second prize: a free day seven-day stay in the Indian Ocean (minus accommodation).

This means that like the proverbial ‘you can have your cake and eat it too,’ you can live in the water and drink it too – the high salinity content notwithstanding.  (Moroever, this stay will be worth the salt – if not anything else!)

Third prize: a two-room flat on the banks of any river or lake of your choice!  Consolation prizes could include free baths for one month and permanent membership of ‘Water Kingdoms.’ 

Last but not the least, coming back to the reel life – ‘Water,’ one does not know exactly how much Deepa Mehta has done to solve the real life – ‘Water crisis’ in her film, but at least she could be honoured with an award for ‘acqua-inting’ the people with the severity of the issue.  Or, is it for watering down the issue?

As for our politicians, it is another golden opportunity for them to lure the ‘voter’ on account of ‘water’ and test the political waters before taking the plunge into the whirlpool of elections.

The Mad Ad World

An advertising agency is “85 per cent confusion and 15 per cent commission,” said Fred Allen.  On the other hand, Edgar Watson Howe said, “Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark, you know what you are doing, but nobody else does.” 

Apparently, nearly all the 24 hour channels don’t know what they are doing either.  Not only is the quality of the advertisements “ludicrous,” the quantity in which they are fed to the viewers is nerve-racking.

How else could one explain five minutes of advertisements before a scene of equal duration.  Often the total number of advertisements takes up more time than the duration of the entire programme.  The frequency of the advertisements is at such monotonously regular intervals that the children learn them by rote, and far quicker than they do so from their textbooks.  Take for instance, a mother asking a small girl who Babur’s son was – Humayun and Akbar – that of Humayun.  In fact, very often one can hear kids humming tunes of some of the latest trendy advertisements.

Frankly speaking, however, some of the advertisement jingles are so catchy (many borrowed from the West, be it noted) that sometimes you prefer them to the silly songs of the latest Hindi films.  Indeed, jingles could soon give Bollywood music directors a real headache.  It would come as no surprise, if HMV people were tempted to realise the dream of releasing an audio-cassette featuring some of the more catchy advertisement jingles.

A few advertisements fired my imagination and zeal.  Some years ago, an advertisement for a particular brand of tea showed a macho guy with long moustaches coolly sitting in front of a tiger and sipping the tea and at the same time, twirling his moustaches.  I, for one, am prepared to gulp down as many cups of tea (of this particular brand) as possible at one go, if in the bargain, I could become even half as lion-hearted as the tough male depicted in the advertisement.

 Another advertisement of a fan features a popular film-star saying, “Sir naam hi kaafi hai,” (merely the mention of the name is enough).  Is it really so?  Can the mere mention of the name of a ceiling fan provide relief from the scorching heat?  If so, then why bother to buy the damned fan?  One can very well sit and keep chanting the name of the fan at the desired speed to get the cooling effect.  Of course, I am always deeply mystified as to which brand of pen, shirt, shampoo, or soap to buy.  They all claim to be “Better than the Best”.    Think of it in grammatical terms – “Better than the Best” would mean “Comparative is better than Superlative”.   Pray how?

The latest trend in advertising is to target the children.  So you have any number of companies directing their advertisements at the children at a very impressionable age.   One particular advertisement shows a child looking for his car operated by remote control.  He asks his mother who tells him to look around in the house.  The child says that his father would get him a new toy.  But a guest at the house tells the child that what would happen if the father gets lost too?  For a moment, everyone looks flabbergasted before the father pops in from nowhere to say that even if he gets lost, he would still bring the toy.  The advertisement is about insurance, but what about insuring the advertisement itself.    The biggest worry is that tomorrow if children lose their toys, they are bound to recollect the advertisement and tell the poor father promptly that even if he gets lost, he must get that particular toy.  So said the advertisement, they would argue.   Of course, most of the mothers would not mind losing the father, if in the bargain, they could find a new one.  But the advertisement doesn’t give any such insurance – not assurance, mind you.

Of course, you have good-looking models endorsing under-garments, garments and such stuff.  A particular advertisement for a brand of undergarments shows a male fighting a few goons and thrashing them black and blue.  A female model appears at the end of the advertisement, clinging to the male model.  Another one shows a man entering a ladies’ toilet by mistake and a few females entering behind him and showering kisses all over the guy.  Now, pray what has the advertisement got to do with the undergarment?  May be – that next time, whenever one goes into the toilet and that too ladies’ toilet by mistake, one should expect kisses to be showered.

 One of the latest advertisements shows a lady asking a man (supposedly her spouse) – “Have you seen my caaaaaarrrrrr keys”.  The advertisement, apparently for a car, doesn’t show the keys at all.  For, if going by the advertisement if the caaaarrrr is that long, what size would be its keys?   Fortunately, or unfortunately, no answers are provided to such questions. 

However, it is not true that these advertisements have only nonsense value.  Every cloud has a silver lining, after all.  These advertisements may drive you crazy, while you are anxiously awaiting the start of your favourite serial.  Many parents however, vouch for them and infact, heave a sigh of relief when they start, while at their wits’ end to divert the attention of their baby.  However, once the advertisements start, the toddler surprisingly enough is spell-bound and silent.  Of course, the poor parents have to “face the music,” again, once the jingles stop.  Well, at least in one respect, it can be said of advertisements – “Sirf naam hi kaafi hai.”   

Age of Specialisation

Today’s world is indeed that much more competitive and specialisation is a must.  The days of “jack of all trades” are bygone.  Thus, to succeed in modern day cut-throat competition, a person has to be a specialist in a particular field.  Be it a scientist, a journalist, doctor, lawyer, or any other profession, specialisation is the in-thing. That reminds me of a joke narrated by a colleague doing rounds in the medicine circles.  A patient having some problem with his left eye, went to an eye-specialist.  The doctor immediately burst out saying – “don’t you know that I am a specialist of the right eye”!!!!

It all began with D.T.C actually.  D.T.C launched University Specials known as U-specials, Ladies’ special.  Then hotels began to increasingly offer “special thalis” and “special” masala dosa.  Barbers too jumped into the fray by offering “special” shaves.  As if in a jiffy, specialisation seemed to have become the buzzword. 

Another instance of the spurt in the specialisation business was the in(famous) “tandoor murder case”.  After all the run-of-the-mill murders that were becoming dull and monotonous, murders were not hogging the headlines that they usually so richly deserve.  Thanks to this “specialised murder”, murders had then become a red hot (tandoori hot that is) news!!!  The media went all berserk over the “hot stuff”.  Well, after all, innovation in any sphere, be it crime does merit attention – and publicity too.

 Come to think of it.  Even politics could not remain untouched by this “wave” of specialisation. It all actually started with “acting” and “working” presidents of all the parties.  This only meant that in the scenario of specialisation, working presidents would no longer need to “act” and “acting” presidents do not need to work.  A nice bit of specialisation that.

Of course, the specialisation fetish extends to the Prime Minister too.   Our leaders and political parties seek the Prime Minister’s resignation at the drop of a hat.  The way PM’s resignation is demanded on “apparently disjointed issues”, be it DESU’s failure in maintaining an adequate supply of electricity, when electricity comes under the jurisdiction of State governments, reminds one of the story of the wolf and the lamb.  The wolf first accuses the lamb of polluting the water that the wolf is drinking.  But when the lamb points out that the water is coming from the wolf’s side, the wolf says that then it must have been the father of the lamb who polluted the water and gobbles the lamb as a punishment.

In the modern-day age of specialisation and that too in a country like India, one Prime Minister is not enough.  Why not have a “specialist resigning” PM?  All that the resigning PM would be supposed to do is to resign on all and sundry issues and that too before the first voice is raised, demanding his resignation.

Or instead, he could just “resign” himself to the situation without actually resigning.  Isn’t that quite a “specialised” thought?

My Experiments With Fruit

Fruits have always occupied a place of pride in our diet since times immemorial.  So much so that many of proverbs and adages are inspired by them.  To begin with, one often hears that “the roots of perseverance may be sour, but the fruits are sweet”!!  Glossing over the fact as to which particular fruit enjoys a preferential treatment, when it comes to proverbs and adages, it came as a revelation that apple overshadowed the “king of fruits”, mango in  at least one respect.

One is immediately reminded of the famous adage, “Adam ate the apple and our teeth still ache”!  Crossing over to a more contemporary and modern period, parents have always considered children to be “apples of  their eyes”, till they prove to be a nuisance and break the hitherto existent “apple pie” order of the household.  The hapless parents can still (and do) cope up with the situation till the children are “happily married”.  More often than not, it is the marriage that proves to be the family’s “apple of discord”.  As if like a bolt from the blue, you suddenly seem to realise why our teeth still ache!!

 The prospect of going to either a dentist, or any other doctor, is always unwelcome.  Talking of toothache, I for one have always been dead scared of visiting a dentist.  So hearing the adage….”and our teeth still ache”, I developed an instant, inherent dislike for the “forbidden fruit”.  However, wishing to cut down on medical expenses and immediately being reminded of the famous – “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” proverb, I decided to give the fruit a second chance. 

Though I happen to be one of those with an apparent dislike for the fruit, the ubiquitous influence of the “forbidden fruit” was impressed upon  me by a computer whizkid friend of mine, who reminded me that these days, even a computer – “Apple” is gaining currency.  “Not only that”, he went on, “even the space programme can ill-afford to do with the fruit”.  Feigning ignorance, I asked, “are the scientists at ISRO supposed to be avowed apple eaters”??   “Don’t act like a pumpkin”, he ridiculed me.  I am talking of the Ariane Passenger Payload Experiment (APPLE)”.  The logic had clearly driven home.

Impressed by the technological and scientific strides made by the fruit, I decided to let my prejudices for once, take a backseat, as I vowed to try “keeping the doctor away”, believing religiously in the time-tested adage.

To begin with, the “fruit of my perseverance” did not appear to be as sweet as it was made out in the proverb.  Still, wishing to uphold the sagacity of my decision, I plugged on tirelessly, dreaming of the rosy prospect of not having to visit the medico, thereby ridiculing my friends whose medical bills were fattening by the day.

 However, through monthly tabs that I was keeping on the expenditure incurred in buying the fruit, it slowly dawned upon me that the fruit was not such a “rosy proposition” after all.  The steadily increasing prices of the hitherto juicy fruit now only left a bad taste in my mouth.  Slowly, it was assuming the taste of “sour grapes”.  Not only that, my newly found penchant for the fruit had completely upset my “financial applecart”. 

I clearly realised that in keeping the doctor away, I might as well end up snapping all financial links with my banker!  Well, as you all know, “an apple a day, keeps the doctor away”, but nowadays the apples are so expensive, that you might as well as prefer a doctor a day!  Therefore, earnestly believing in another time-worn adage – “don’t bite off more than you can chew”, I finally decided to call it a day, as far as “My Experiments with Fruits” were concerned.  Fearing that my friends might not make a laughing stock of me, I have instead started eating onions aplenty.  Why?  As a wag has rightly said, in contrast to an apple just keeping the doctor away, “an onion a day, keeps everybody away”!!!

Power of the Apes

A recent item in newspapers said that monkeys in Delhi created a ‘power breakdown’ in a prime locality of the capital for more than half an hour. What had transpired was that one of the monkeys shut off the main switch engulfing the area in darkness, despite the area having been fenced off.

Now what is wrong in monkeys performing the chores of DESU?  If at all, the monkeys were only sagacious enough to switch off the lights in a prime locality, rather than putting the common man through the grind.   In fact, this power shutdown contains important lessons for DESU.

What is however surprising is the amazingly monotonous regularity with which the apes seem to have cultivated the knack of remaining in news.  If I may be allowed to humbly submit, they do seem to have developed the proverbial ‘nose for news’.  Their escapades at South Block keep hitting the headlines and they are nearly always a photographer’s delight.  Of course, off and on the chief sub editors of newspapers also get a chance to brag their scholastic abilities by giving these photos various imaginative captions with a variety of ‘simian’ vocabulary.

However, the latest power failure triggered off by the monkeys set me thinking.  After all, weren’t ‘Hanuman’, ‘Bali’ and ‘Sugreev’ also ‘powerful?’  And hadn’t Angad challenged the leading demons to stir his firmly planted feet.  The modern-day monkeys too after all seem to have taken a cue from their ‘epic’ forefathers and put their foot down – in a different manner.  That is why they chose to show off their powers by affecting a power breakdown.

This incident reminded me of that famous novel-cum-film ‘Planet of the Apes.’  It visualises a day in the future when apes would rule the planet and human beings would be reduced to being their servants.  The way the monkeys are going about presently, the day would come sooner, rather than later.  It is a doubtful proposition whether the apes would really like to rule over this planet of ours, for the idea presupposes their consent for granted. 

However, the way we humans are behaving, cultivates a doubt in one’s mind if we really descended from the apes, or has Darwin’s theory of evolution become redundant?  For, with the latest fad of cloning and genetic engineering fast catching up, like a computer virus, the apes would certainly be having a hearty laugh at our expense.  They must be thinking that when they can successfully ape anything or anyone, where was the need for cloning?

            Despite the hullabaloo being raised over cloning, the question remains – who is aping whom?  The simians seem to be telling the humans – “Looking at your face, we get the impression that you descent from us has not yet started.”  Or still better, “You do seem to have descended all right, but definitely not from us.”

Ignorance is Bliss

Ignorance, they say, is bliss.  But complete ignorance is complete bliss.  What’s more it’s universal in nature.  Some real-life experiences of teachers and some reports appearing in the Print Media form a veritable “Do you know” series, or “Ripley’s Believe it or not” facts.  Citing a few examples of the common and not-so-uncommon people in India and in the West is a must.  Examples from the West need to be cited in particular, for we are convinced of anything only if we have a parallel in the West – even if it is ignorance.  But let’s begin with some ‘desi’ instances.

As Election Commission is always in news, for these days some elections or the other are held every other month, why ignore the ubiquitous ‘EC?’  It should warm the cockles of the hearts of our Chief Election Commissioners (CECs) to learn what Class XII students of Political Science thought of them some years ago.  According to some ‘bright young minds’, Election Commission were those people who move around with loudspeakers, making announcements in auto rickshaws, jeeps and vans during electioneering!

Our learned teachers might not know that according to some aspiring teachers, the Godavari flows through Krishna delta, while Pennar is actually situated in Kerala.  After all, these entire years one has been learning in geography that the face of our earth is constantly changing.  Who knows these candidates might be having the latest update on the geographical situation!!  Knowledge should after all be constantly updated.

One particularly bright student took the question a bit too literally. Quizzed in Hindi medium on what they understood by ‘Bahu-uddeshiya yojnaayen’ (multi-purpose projects), the measured response of this student was that in our country, ‘Bahus’ (brides) are supposed to cover their heads and are made to go through a lot of formalities after marriage, so the programmes that are aimed at these ‘bahus’ are known as……no prizes for guessing here!!!!

Did you know that ignorance need not be merely ‘Art-istic’, it can be scientific as well.  Some science students did not know the composition of blood or what haemoglobin was.  One can safely say that these science students were “BLOODY” ignorant!!!   The concept of dialysis, or the utility of vitamins was Greek and Latin to them.  After all, strictly speaking, all these issues are really non(science)sense!!!  One student defined electrons as, ‘beautiful things that roam around on sea-beaches.’   Quite an ‘electron’-ic ignorance that!!!  

One candidate appearing for an examination to become a sub-inspector in police organisations thought that Bjorn Borg was the name of a beautiful place in Europe.  Of course, even if he had said that Borg was a Swiss tennis player would not have made him the head of Swiss police – or for that matter, Indian police too.  Nor would a Swiss account have been opened in his or her name.  So why bother?

Of course, all things apart, ‘Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani’, so we will not consider anything to be complete, till there is a ‘videshi’ or ‘phoren’ parallel to anything.  So here goes.

In the United States of A, a presidential candidate once could not name the political leaders of India and Pakistan.  Another President once said, “I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don’t always agree with them!” Why not?  If you agree with your own opinions, how can one beat around the bush.’  Another well-known figure in American politics was the perfect ‘Ignoramus’ when he spelt potato as ‘potatoe’ – so what if he added a ‘toe’ to the poor vegetable!  He was only trying to be phonetic.  Or may be plainly – ‘phoney’ – one never knows with these politicians.  Another President quipped at the funeral of Charles de Gaulle – “today is a great day for France.”  

Coming back to some ‘desi’ instances, one minister from one of the hill states, was blissfully unaware of what ‘PUC’ (Proposal Under Consideration) stood for.  The Minister in question ordered the PS to get the “Pook.”  The hapless PS having racked his brains and tired of searching for the elusive ‘Pook’ all over the place, finally realised what PUC actually stood for.

Last but not the least, on a TV show anchored by a famous media celebrity, one Parliamentary Affairs minister (name withheld owing to model code of conduct of the Election Commission) quipped in an answer to a question that a particular Parliamentary procedure – ‘Quorum’ was necessary, which was 8 or 10 per cent.  The anchor, seizing the chance to corner the Minister quipped, “Sir, that means even you don’t know whether the quorum is 8 per cent or 10 per cent!!’  

After all these examples, one hopes that the ignorant ones among our readers would no longer be ignorant of the fact that ‘ignorance’ is common knowledge the world over.”

Who wants a Bite?

Some years ago, gleaning through the newspapers, I had come across a news item that said that any person bitten by a stray dog would be paid compensation by NDMC.  I was immediately reminded of that famous quote in journalism – “when a dog bites a man it is not news……”  The decision to pay compensation would however erode the sanctity of the saying, as it amounts to a man biting a dog.  It would definitely have other ‘uncanny’ fallouts for the canines.

The decision apparently has been made to punish the NDMC, for, the canines fall under its jurisdiction.  However, in reality, it is the stray dogs on whom the real punishment has been inflicted.  Kudos to the NDMC’s ‘dog sense’. 

That the NDMC should pay compensation, made me wonder if ‘once bitten twice shy’ saying would be valid anymore.  After all, in today’s materialistic world, when it comes to earning ‘a few bucks more’, where is the harm in getting bitten?  After all, when the Bollywood damsels don’t get bitten by the pangs of their conscience, or feel shy about exposing, why the hell should an ordinary person feel shy of getting bitten, that too by a stray dog and thereby earn a few bucks.  What is not clear is the fact that, would this compensation be tax-free or not?  It should be, for otherwise people could end up being ‘bitten to glory’.   The Finance Minister would also have to take a call on whether the proposed tax would be a direct one, or an indirect one!!!

 After all, a dog, or for that matter, any animal attacks or bites only when it feels threatened, or is hurt. The bite is then, basically a punishment inflicted by the dog on the offender. However, the NDMC in a ‘welcome gesture of solidarity’ “whether with the dogs, or with those bitten by the dogs is still not clear) has inflicted the punishment on itself.

Whereas till now, stray dogs hounded only passers-by, pedestrians or vehicle owners, the scene could very well be the opposite in the not-so-distant future.  Human beings chasing dogs and pleading, cajoling and challenging them to bite could make a familiar sight on Delhi streets then. 

Thieves, in particular, must have rubbed their hands in anticipation and glee.  After a theft and a little ‘bit(e) of luck’, they could well go laughing all the way to the bank!  They would rather love to see a book on – ‘How to win over stray dogs and get bitten by them’!!

However, my heart goes out to the poor stray dogs.  They would now by outcasts within their own community.  The chasm between ‘pet’ and ‘stray’ dogs would widen further in the wake of the proposed compensation. Pets would now ridicule stray dogs saying, “Look, our bark is more potent than your bite.  You are only compensating these ‘top dogs’ who keep us in chains”.

If one were to comprehend the languages of dogs, I am sure the next time, stray dogs would be barking out instructions to each other.  “Hey cool it guys.  Are you sure you really want to compensate that idiot”?  Or else, “you bite only twice”!!!  The latest heard from the camp of stray dogs was that they are planning to launch a peaceful, yet “biting” non-cooperation movement and chalking out details of a nation-wide strike.

Gods Must Be Crazy

India has always been known as the land of gods.  In ancient times, parts of it were also referred to as “Devabhumi”.  Indians have always been religious in their outlook and essentially god-fearing by nature.  This fact was amply demonstrated years ago by the news that spread even faster than wild fire, that gods all over India, as also across the globe – were devouring milk – spoonfuls of it.  The first thought that raced across my mind then was – we all have become so used to spoon feeding, that we don’t even spare the divines!

What was most surprising was the fact that gods, particularly all over India were drinking milk of all brands.  The very thought immediately alarmed me, for it meant that something nasty had happened to ‘Kamadhenu’ (the divine cow), or else why should they risk drinking milk in the land of mortals.  I was always cocksure that gods would reject DMS milk and prefer full cream milk to the toned and double-toned variety.

A couple of friends narrated to me that the statute of gods did not really drink the milk offered by them.  It only strengthened my conviction that the gods would not have liked the smell of DMS milk, for my friends had offered the DMS brand.  Mother Dairy milk too would not have tasted all that good.  The gods surely would have heard that “eating (or drinking) is human, digesting divine”.  Our poor gods could not even drink the milk that mortals gobble up like ambrosia.

It is really surprising that the gods should have chosen this time to drink milk, when a godman by the name of ‘Moon Lord’ was neck deep in trouble.  It could also be possible that the gods decided to drink milk, as a few women at that time had volunteered to become ‘devadasis’ in a temple in Orissa.  Up there in the heavens, when the ‘apsarars’ dance and dedicate themselves to the god, the latter are believed to drink ‘somras’.  After all, gods are used to the luxuries of heaven and known to have a penchant for miracles.  They must know too well that procuring pure milk on the land of mortals is nothing short of a luxury and a miracle.  Who knows the next time around, instead of the holy Ganges, some “Akashganga” of milk could come pouring down on this land from the locks of Lord Shiva.

If you talk of Shiva, can Ganesha be far behind?  Ganesha too had to come down on the land of mortals to drink milk.  But that again could have been a dangerous proposition because as we all know from mythology that the vehicle of Ganesha is a mouse.  If all the mouses of India were to come out to have a glimpse of their divine ‘Lord’, another ‘Surat’ could be repeated and plague could once again break out in the stampede that could ensue among the mouse, rats and the likes of their species.

What about a totally different brand of mouse?  The one you find with the computer.  Since then, I for one, religiously sit on the computer with a spoonful of milk and offer it to the mouse of the virtual variety, for if it were to get cross, I would not be able to work on the computer.

 One wag rightly pointed out – what if we offer ‘paneer’ to the lords?  After all, it is also a by-product of milk.  Would the gods reject it too?  That again would depend on the quality of milk. The more I thought about it, the more I got convinced about the loss of “Kamadhenu” to the gods.  Instead, now the gods too are on the lookout for a novel scheme like DMS, though the quality of milk would be (hopefully) a much improved one in heaven.  That  is why another wag has right termed the heavenly milk scheme as DMS, an acronym for “Divine Milk Syndrome”. 

That the gods should come down to the earth to imitate a scheme for the heavens from the real life, is an ample demonstration of that famous reel life English comedy – “GODS MUST BE CRAZY”!!!

No Popcon please

As the billionth baby was given a billion headlines some years ago, my mind immediately raced back to 1962 – “Hindi-Cheeni Bhai Bhai.”  No, this has nothing to do with Sino-Indian relations, or the Panch Sheel agreement.  But this is the impression one gets on reading the newspapers that we have finally hit the one-billion population mark.  After all, if not in anything else, the camaraderie between Indians and Chinese is all too evident on the population front.

Again, no other country in the world can boast of such a status.  For, popcon is not what the two nations seem to have heard of.  Popcon, for those-as-yet unenlightened souls, stands for Population Control.  One does not know of China, but in India our people seem to have it all thoroughly muddled between ‘birth’ and ‘berth’ control. Hence, the mind-boggling scenes from railway berths to Cabinet berths.

The arrival of the billionth baby had the media in a tizzy.  The media had got all its facts muddled up – from the time of the baby’s birth to whether it (the baby) already had a brother or sister.  It was left to the hapless readers to separate the grain from the chaff, for these days, the media has more chaff to offer than grain.

Coming back to the billionth baby, the photographs of it had all sorts of (un)concerned people expressing their ‘uncalled for’ happiness on the arrival of the star baby.  From the photographs, one gets the impression that these unconcerned people were even happier than the parents of the baby.

But these days, be it the common man, (by the way, who or what constitutes a common man, or the V.I.P for that matter, no one seems to be sure of).    All the smiles are ‘of the camera, for the camera and the ‘by the camera.’

 Of course, it is said that a nation is what people make themselves out to be.  As far as controlling the population is concerned, the malady percolates down from the leadership to the masses.  If the common man treats population control as a private matter and not a national one, our na(o)tional leaders too have been opposing tooth and nail, any plans of making mandatory the two-child norm for contesting elections to the legislatures and Parliament.

Meanwhile, as far as the population is concerned, one can safely say that if not in other things, at least on this front we have ensured that the Indians flag keeps flying high ….”Jhanda ooncha rahe humara”!!!!

Jack of Success

Over a game of cards with some friends one day, I came across a very interesting finding.  What happened was that, while playing cards with my friends, the discussion turned towards the importance of “Jack”.  Supremely confident of my general awareness, I fired the first salvo – “Jack of all trades, master of none,” I thundered.

One of my friends immediately shot back, “Come on man, don’t be a bore.  All that stuff is outdated.”  Finding myself outwitted, I tried to sidetrack the issue by telling them of my experiences at a string of interviews for a job.  The conversation from now on, turned back and forth from my performance and my chances at these interviews to the game of cards simultaneously.

“By the way, do you have any Jack?” one of my friends enquired suddenly.  Glancing through the cards in my hands, I declared, “Sorry folks, I don’t have any Jack with me.  All that I have is a Queen of Diamonds, a King of Spades and an ace of the trump.”   My friends could not believe their ears and before long, burst out laughing.  It was now my turn to look in disbelief.

“What’s the matter guys?” I asked a bit sheepishly.  Oops, I realised the very next moment that I had blurted out all the cards in my hands.  “Ok, ok, its’ not that funny.  It happens.   Let’s start the game all over again.”  My friends who had been laughing all this while, could not stand it any longer and doubled over laughing.

After their bouts of laughter were over, I asked them what they had found so amusing.  One of them commented, “Now come on, don’t be so naïve.  If you really don’t know the true implication of Jack now-a-days, you are certainly not cut out for this world.  You better retire to the Himalayas and become a mendicant.”

Putting up a brave face and hiding my apparent ignorance, I tried to carry on the conversation – “Oh right, you were talking about that Jack.  I know these days it is impossible to do anything without it these days, but it is so difficult to find one.”

My shot in the dark had evidently hit the bull’s eye, for now my friends began taking me seriously. Another quipped rather seriously, “You are very right.  It’s exactly like the jack of a car.  Can you replace a tyre without a Jack?  Similarly, just try getting a job without a jack, or a push.”

All my doubts vanished.  So, Jack was after all, a popular slang for the omnipresent and ubiquitous “resourcefulness” or “having the right contact in the right places” displayed by all and sundry for any kind of a job.  I realised that it was people like me whom environmentalists refer to, when they talk of a “resource crunch.”  But, where is the crunch, I wondered to myself.   Everybody seems to be so resourceful in today’s world.

In the light of the recent revelation I had come across, I could see my job prospects dwindling and receding further.  All the hopes that I had pinned on success in any one of the interviews now began to fall apart – like a pack of cards.   After all, I did not have any ‘Jack’ and relying on merit now-a-days is living in a fool’s paradise.

A few days later, flipping through the pages of a book of idioms, I came across a famous saying – “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”  It is now high time that they modified the proverb with the changing trends, I mused.  I’ve since replaced the word “play” with “Jack” in my book.  It now reads, “All work and no Jack, makes Jack a dull boy.”  Also, I have launched a massive hunt for a Jack.  After all, who wants to be a dull boy!!!

Censor Board's 'A' certificate to cricket?

Did you know that there is a proposal to hand over cricket to the Censor Board?  It is indeed surprising that nowadays when everybody is so touchy and sensitive about an uncensored song, film, advertisement, or a teleserial, no one seems to be bothered about the objectionable and provocative game of cricket. The terminology may sound amusing, but the game urgently needs censoring.  Cricket, indeed, needs to be given an ‘A’ certificate!!

Even before the game starts, the two captains go in for a “toss” – one wonders with whom and where? Instead of setting a somewhat decent field, you have all sorts of legs that one can conjure – short leg, square leg, fine leg, deep fine leg etc.  On top of it, they say somewhere in between all these legs there is a ‘gulley’ too. Now isn’t that crossing the limits??  With so many legs and fine legs, there is bound to be a ‘slip’ too somewhere in between.  After all, cricketers too are human beings.  A “silly point” it might sound, but it’s true.

Have you ever wondered what is cricket?  No Sir, it is not just a simple game.  It is much more than that.  Far from being a gentleman’s game, it has now been transformed into a game of devils.  (This is much too evident in the name of one of the teams in one of the very famous tournaments – “Delhi Daredevils”). 

Put simply, cricket is essentially a contest between (read carefully) – “bowling a maiden over” and “crossing the boundary”!!  In between, there are shouts of “Howzzat”!! How’s what?

Needless to say, in such a contest between “bowling a maiden over” and “crossing the boundary” one has to do a lot of running around in between! Not only that, one hears that the players are supposed to play in the “V” (most vulgar) and mind you a ‘shot in the V’ is supposed to be one of the most classical shots in cricket.  Poor spectators – they hardly realise the gravity of the situation. Instead of being alarmed every time a “maiden is bowled” or the “boundary is crossed”, people go berserk over these “exploits” of the cricketers.  They do not seem to realise the ill-effects of such a contest on society and the degeneration that it is bound to bring about in the ethics and morals of the society.

It is high time that the cricketers be told in no uncertain terms that they can’t get away every time they ‘bowl a maiden over’, or ‘cross the boundary’.  There have to be limits to such indiscretions.  After all, we too live in a society and owe a modicum of responsibility towards it.

Come to think of it! As if day cricket was not enough, now we have ‘night cricket’ as well.  We all know only too well that black deeds and indiscretions are mostly committed at night. Now cricketers have become so insolent that they have started ‘crossing the boundary’ at night – and that too under lights!!  Horrible.  However, it seems modern-day cricketers have come to realise the potential hazards in crossing the boundary and that is why they have added a helmet to their sporting kit.

To add to the ‘bowling of maiden overs’, T-20, the latest form of cricket, has brought the ‘maidens over’ to the centre of cricket field.  Every time a batsman ‘crosses the boundary’, these ‘maidens’ get bowled over.  They then start dancing and prancing around – apparently for no reason.  Yes Sir, we are talking of the so-called ‘Cheergirls’.  Most of these cheergirls are ‘imported maidens’, dressed most skimpily, swaying the mentionable and unmentionable parts of their anatomy.  Needless to say, why only players, anyone would be tempted to ‘cross the boundary’, if one sees these ‘cheergirls’. 

Not only this, between ‘bowling a maiden over’ and ‘crossing the boundary’ the spectators deliriously root for a ‘sixer’.  “We want sixer, we want sixer” they chant.  Well that should be music to the ears of eunuchs at least.

But whosoever coined the cricketing terminology must have been endowed with a rare foresight.  Or else, why should there be a “cover” and a “sweeper” required in the game, if there is nothing to hide, or brush under the carpet!!!

So my humble submission is that modern-day cricket is in dire need of censoring.  There should be limits to bowling a maiden over and crossing the boundary.  Cricketing terminology should be reformulated in such a manner so as to do away with the objectionable stuff in the existing cricketing “lexicon”, though there is “nothing official about it”.   That is why cricket should be given an ‘A’ certificate.  Howzzat!!!!!

What's there in an award?

Awards the very name conjures up images of glittering trophies, cups and a horde of other mementos.  With the Oscar and the Grammy awards being a craze with everybody, not to speak of our ‘desi’ versions hogging the limelight, awards do seem to be the in-thing.

I, however, being a mediocre student throughout my career could never be among the ‘lucky’ ones, to receive the awards and the ‘booty’ associated with it.  Mind you everyone eyes this booty with ‘thirsty eyes’, as to what the big boxes (wrapped most temptingly) might be holding in store for the lucky ones.  The secret kept me not only mystified, but also at my wit’s end till recently, when I had the occasion to let the mystery unfold before me from close quarters.  It so transpired that one of my close friends happened to be honoured with an award.  This no doubt gladdened our hearts no end.  The entire friends circle (including the near and dear ones) decided to be present in full strength.  We all waited with bated breath for the ‘hour of reckoning’ to manifest itself in its full glory.

The actual award presentation passed off with the usual fanfare and accolades normally associated with it, with the attention being automatically riveted to the ubiquitously temptingly wrapped boxes.  The situation resembled the climax of a thriller.  It was just like lifting the lid off the mystery.  However, in the presence of the select gathering, the act would have appeared to be out of tune with the laid down decorum and the minimum expected levels of etiquette, that one is expected to follow.  Hence, the mystery continued to be under wraps, as the wait continued to be as agonising as ever.

The box opening ceremony however, gave a ‘twist’ to the many ‘Olivers’ who had been entertaining any ‘Great Expectations’ on the contents of the box.  The box was opened – and lo behold!!! We all let out screams of disbelief and surprise and could scarcely believe our eyes.  Neatly arranged  in the box were about a score of biscuit packets – of all the things.  Whereas till now, our mouths were dry in anticipation and excitement, now everybody’s mouth was watering.  It was indeed a ‘crunchy’ situation.

What set me thinking were the farsightedness and the sagacity of the highest order on the part of the organisers.  How on earth could they have hit upon such an ingenious idea?  After all, it showed the imagination of the highest class.  It was a pointer to the fact that they definitely must have pre-empted that in throwing a party, when one invites the guests, one can’t ignore them (not guests, but the biscuits I mean).  On the contrary, the biscuits play  a crucial role.  Hats off to the organisers for having saved my friend the needless bother of running to the market and fetching them, when they could be made so readily available.  Could one think of ‘sharing’ one’s award in a more befitting manner?

What was, however, sorely missed was the absence of ‘namkeens’, tea bags, as well as other eatable accessories associated with partying.  With all the kids in the house, toffees and chocolates were also in hot demand.  Probably the organisers could take note of it and possibly implement it in the future.

It also reminds one of  “what’s there in a name”?  Extending the same logic, one might then argue, “what’s there in an award”?  After all, didn’t Krishna say in the Gita, ‘action is thy duty, reward is not thy concern’, be the rewards in the nature of biscuit packets or what ever you have.

So, the next time around we see anyone receiving an award, in huge, temptingly wrapped boxes, we can certainly hazard a guess, as to what the boxes could be containing. As an advertisement jingle for a brand of biscuits in yesteryears went – “hum ko pata hai jee”.  Isn’t it G? 

Corruption

COMPUTERISED CORRUPTION

‘It’s on, it’s on…what’s on”?  The answer to this question in an advertisement for a brand of television was a punch in the face of the questioner.  However, in the present day context in India, the answer to what’s on is – ‘it’s corrupti-on’!!!  A punch in the face of India?  No, not at all.  On the contrary, a news item in the papers said the other day that India was one of the most corrupt nations in the world.  It warmed the cockles of my heart immensely, as I punched my fist in the air, as if I had won a gold at the Olympics!

After all, Indians too have proved that the much-vaunted ‘killer instinct’ is not missing in us.  On the contrary, it is ‘alive’ and ‘kicking’.  The West, in turn, must be kicking itself for letting India steal the show from right under its nose, as far as corruption is concerned.  It is in fact, this very ‘Indianisation’ of corruption that might be unnerving for the West.

Talking of corruption, with the list of scams assuming monstrous proportions, India was basking in its newly found glory.  What people however, conveniently forget is the fact that we Indians are a genuine and an honest lot.  After all, aren’t we religiously honest in being corrupt?  It is corruption -  with honesty.  Well, as people say even thieves have a code of conduct.  It is high time that India too drew up a ‘model code of corrupt conduct’ before anyone else in the world steals a march over us.

Of course, in keeping with the latest trend, it does appear that corruption too has gone hi-tech and its computerisation has commenced.  The other day a mention of the Vohra committee report in an article had very interesting consequences on the computer.  While taking a print out of the document, the computer screen made very interesting reading.  The screen said – “the file may be corrupted’!  I could not help, but marvel at the sensitivity of the computer and its subtle indication of the fact that the mention of the Vohra committee report could have a ‘corrupting influence’ on the file.  The article after all, did have an ‘element of corruption’ in it.

In the age of ‘Microsoft’  and ‘windows’, the day is certainly not far off, when a computer programme on corruption would be devised and on which no virus, including ‘Michelangelo’ dare enter.  Needless to say, corruption could then also be ‘saved’ on the computer.  Like the options provided by the computer during a spell check being run, the computer would also provide options on the various types of corruption!

If such a computerisation heralded by India does come about in the near future, one could very proudly proclaim to the world – ‘Oh darling, yeh hai India’, as also send out a loud and clear message to foreign investors – “Yehi hai right choice baby”!